Monday, March 2, 2009

My Mental Pain.

So my blogging is off. I am in a mental funk. Mostly because I have been forced take the past two weeks off from all exercise due to my shitty knee. It puts me in a bad mood because really I am addicted to the endorphins of exercise and I actually crave the fix.

I had a contrast MRI done on my knee about a week and a half ago. This is basically where they inject 25 CCs of dye into your knee to help get a better 3D shot. This amount of liquid, forced into my already swollen knee was not a pleasant experience. I could barely bend my knee after this procedure and walked with a limp.

And the results? Pretty depressing really. Mostly because there is nothing wrong with my knee that is easily fixable. I have major sections of cartilage that have fissured (disappeared) and one particular large area is causing major rubbing when I walk/run/hike etc. I haven't seen the doctor again yet, but I self diagnosed the MRI report (I know I know...what do I know...) and the diagnosis is most likely going to learn to live with it and change my activities or to undergo microfracture surgery. This is the Penny Hardaway surgery where they drill holes into your bone in order to stimulate cartilage growth. This type of surgery isn't an option right now as it requires over a year of rehab, possible 2 months on crutches and I don't have time with school starting just around the corner.

So where does that leave me?

Twenty eight years old with a bum and worthless knee.

I have done a lot of cool things with this bum knee. Every thing I have blogged about in almost two years has been with this bum knee. I refuse to stop living, I never back down until my body shuts me down. This is MY way of dealing with a narrowing tunnel of opportunity for the free and single no strings attached (aka babies) portion of my life.

And I know that it is possible that my choice to keep living and pushing through everything has actually worsened my knee to the point that it is currently at. But how do I know anything for sure? Things are never as easy as "if I would just take it easy then everything would get better". I would rather build up my memory bank of great times today than wait for the possibility of tomorrow. Take that for what it is, stupid but understandable.

Thanks for listening. Someday, I will get back to blogging about positive and exciting things. Someday.


B Squared said...

My knee is worse than yours. I am in need of an artificial knee. My doc advised me to hold out. There are all kinds of new things in the pipeline. I, too, "went for it." Don't regret any of it. But, I can barely get in or out of a car now. The knee just does not bend. I better get a bigger car.

Martin Dimitrov said...

Hannah, that thing about your knee really sucks! I hope that somehow you can get it better. There is still a lot of stuff to conquer out there.

Scrumhalf Connection said...


I haven't commented in a while, but I do read what you write...and this post saddens me. For awhile we were on the same recovery path, that first bike ride back, that first rugby game back...

I wish you the best recovery out there and I wish I could wave a magical wand to make it better for you.

Greg Oden said...

Microfracture surgery worked out awesome for me!

The Chaser said...

Why thank you Greg...straight from the mouth of celebrities folks.

So I hate rereading these types of posts after I post them because they seem so whiny and sad. Argh. But when I write them, they actually represent what I am thinking so I guess that is real. Anyway, thanks for the kind words.

@B Squared: What did you do to your knee to make it so bad? I have pretty much resigned myself to a new knee at some point later in my life.

@Martin: Don't worry martin, I should still be able to do some adventures with ya.

@Scrumhalf: Thanks, I wish you the best of luck with rugby and getting on the Ntl side. I miss it a lot, but I am happy with the 7 years I had.

@Greg: Good job representing for OSU. You still owe me a national championship kid.

Greg Oden said...

I could almost play for the Suns, I miss so many games. I'm glad you are my friend, all my teammates hate me. I think it's cause I have JT on speed dial,

megan said...

hannah, what sad news. (but, yeah for understanding mri's you medical genius you!)

maybe there will be a time soon that you can take the two months to live on crutches... that won't be so bad.

we all need to whine sometimes & this is your damn blog... so spill it lady :)

i too wish i had that magical wand. i'd cure your knee in a heart beat.