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So I wrote this on Tuesday. I didn't publish it because sometimes I don't publish the hard ones that reveal too much. But I am going to publish it now, because I am feeling devastated and I want to get it out of my system so I can move on. I saw my orthopedic surgeon today. Yes, I most likely re-tore my ACL. Yes I will most likely need another surgery to fix it. And yes, that will most likely require at least another year of rehab. But I will be fine, I will come back from this and I will somehow grow from the experience. I just need a day to be depressed and grieve.

[Written Tuesday, Nov 6th]

Sometimes I say too much. Most of the time my current mood is glaringly obvious. When I am happy, I bubble over. When I am mad, I look irritated. When I am nervous, I fidget or talk to much. When I am excited, I ramble on and on about whatever I am excited about. But when I am sad, it's different. I either hide it behind activities that leave me no time to think, or I get quiet and retreat to my cocoon. I am not sure what to do right now.

I am going to try writing about it. So yes. I am mad. Mad at myself. Mad at fate. Mad at my knee. And yes, I am mad at rugby. I am mad that all of the work I have done over the last year and a half, the endless hours of performing at less than my best, but having to be satisfied knowing it is all part of the recovery process is gone. I am mad that I can't bend my knee. That I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon this Thursday. And that I am going to have to miss all the fun things I planned to do in the next couple of weeks.

But mostly I am just mad that I am feeling so devastated. That I don't think I can do it all over again. That I would have to seriously consider changing my lifestyle if I indeed did need to do it all over again. Please please please no surgery. I don't think I can take it again.

It is my worst nightmare. I know I am being over dramatic. I realize that worse things could happen. But you may not understand how hard I have worked, how far I have come, what goals I have set, and how driven I have been. If you did, you would know.

This will most likely always stay a draft. Like many of my other heavy posts, where I write them to cleanse or crystallize my feelings that the world just doesn't need to know.