Thursday, November 8, 2007


So I wrote this on Tuesday. I didn't publish it because sometimes I don't publish the hard ones that reveal too much. But I am going to publish it now, because I am feeling devastated and I want to get it out of my system so I can move on. I saw my orthopedic surgeon today. Yes, I most likely re-tore my ACL. Yes I will most likely need another surgery to fix it. And yes, that will most likely require at least another year of rehab. But I will be fine, I will come back from this and I will somehow grow from the experience. I just need a day to be depressed and grieve.

[Written Tuesday, Nov 6th]

Sometimes I say too much. Most of the time my current mood is glaringly obvious. When I am happy, I bubble over. When I am mad, I look irritated. When I am nervous, I fidget or talk to much. When I am excited, I ramble on and on about whatever I am excited about. But when I am sad, it's different. I either hide it behind activities that leave me no time to think, or I get quiet and retreat to my cocoon. I am not sure what to do right now.

I am going to try writing about it. So yes. I am mad. Mad at myself. Mad at fate. Mad at my knee. And yes, I am mad at rugby. I am mad that all of the work I have done over the last year and a half, the endless hours of performing at less than my best, but having to be satisfied knowing it is all part of the recovery process is gone. I am mad that I can't bend my knee. That I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon this Thursday. And that I am going to have to miss all the fun things I planned to do in the next couple of weeks.

But mostly I am just mad that I am feeling so devastated. That I don't think I can do it all over again. That I would have to seriously consider changing my lifestyle if I indeed did need to do it all over again. Please please please no surgery. I don't think I can take it again.

It is my worst nightmare. I know I am being over dramatic. I realize that worse things could happen. But you may not understand how hard I have worked, how far I have come, what goals I have set, and how driven I have been. If you did, you would know.

This will most likely always stay a draft. Like many of my other heavy posts, where I write them to cleanse or crystallize my feelings that the world just doesn't need to know.


Mike S. said...

sorry to hear that champ. i'm missing the outdoors stuff we all did over the summer.

megan said...

you can do it. and you will. your determination & love for those fun adventures will get you through this. plus i can come over & we can play scrabble! doesn't that sound exciting???? no, but perhaps it will motivate you :)