I need more digits in my temperature.

It's going to be a low of -2 degrees F in Breckenridge on Thanksgiving. Oh. My. God.

Before you make fun of me, just remember, I am from the desert people. Come play with me when it is 115 out and then I can make fun of you. My warmest coat is rated to 40 degrees. Over the past three years I donated most of my out of date warm Ohio clothes to various Good Wills and had no reason to replace them. I have lots and lots of awesome outdoorsy synthetic clothing rated to about 50 degrees in temperature, but not one single thick wool sweater. I am going to be forced to go shopping. Will they make fun of me if I just wear my ski pants around town, cause I may die otherwise?

It's sort of exciting since I haven't been in cold weather in almost two years. It was downright balmy in Ohio last Christmas. I hope we get to play in some snow and do a little chilly hiking. I don't know if I can handle biking in zero degree weather though. I have thin blood, I swear, and my bootie fat just isn't enough. Phoenix is still in the 80s and Tom got sunburned this weekend playing frisbee. And we are okay with that... the sunburned in November thing.

Results

I received my MRI results in semi-readable form, aka medical terminology English. To paraphrase:

1. Complete tear of anterior cruciate ligament (ACL).
2. Degenerate wearing on the blah blah medical term module blah.
3. No meniscus damage seen.

The bottom line is that I have a complete ACL tear but no meniscus damage and that my knees shows wear and tear. Big surprise right. The no meniscus damage thing is def worth cheering about because it means way less pain and quicker rehab.

I went mountain biking at my old faithful South Mountain Desert Classic trail for about an hour and a half Saturday morning and other than definitely have less power in climbing, I felt pretty good. It just felt great getting back out there and I still beat my friend up most of the trail. It got a little sore towards the end so I think I will need to work back up to being able to ride for far distances. My goal now is going to be to rehab enough to still compete with my team at the 24 Hours of Pueblo mtb race in February. I will have to delay my surgery for a minute but strangely enough I am in no hurry to redo that torture.

Go knee go, you crazy broken thing that just keeps on truckin.

Anyone know how to read an MRI?

So I finally got in to get an MRI on my knee this morning. So I immediately called my surgeon (the same surgeon who operated on my knee last June and who told me just last Thursday that he thought I had re-torn it) to schedule a follow-up appointment for him to tell me what the pictures show. Did or didn't I completely tear my ACL? Cause gotta say, I am still not convinced.

They tell me "As of today, Dr. E no longer works at this facility". Huh...what? "Do you know where he went or how I can get a hold of him?", I ask. Friendly receptionist says, "Well, all we have is his personal email. We don't know why or where he went."

What the hell...

So now, I have my MRI and x-ray photos, but no surgeon to look at them. It's like my surgeon is one of those fake non profit companies that disappears overnight. So now I have to look for another surgeon. Which sucks because the best ones take over a month to get into for new patients. So in the meantime, I am going to try to self diagnose my MRI, however they are way more complicated than an x-ray, let me tell you.

After riding my bike pain free for 1.5 hours last night, I am considering pretending I never heard the words ACL tear and playing dumb. Also, I learned today from an x-ray that I have a screw in my knee that I didn't know about. Yay.

This photo was taken last summer when my awesome friends took me wheel chairing in the desert right after my surgery. I was going crazy being cooped up (couldn't walk for 5 weeks) and needed to get out.

Why we are [not] cool.

Since I am having mental block-o-blog, I am going to cheat and blog in the form of a list. Lists are great because they generate topics of randomness that allow for rambling and derisive humor. Excellent. Commence.

Reasons why Tom and I are nerds. Wow this one is easy. We totally are.

#5 - We both shop at Target. For everything. Especially for our clothes, which are not emo or hipster at all.
#4- Our DVR has more Jeopardy and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire on it than any other show. In fact it's probably a 4:1 quiz show to regular show ratio. Seriously.
#3 - We own four computers between the two of us, two of which we built ourselves. I create my own blog profiles which includes editing the actual HTML & CSS while Tom pulls out his voltmeters and safety goggles to change a light bulb.
#2 - We regularly fall asleep on weekend evenings at god awful early hours. Hey back off, we are married now. Big day tomorrow, Home Depot, maybe Bed Bath & Beyond, don't know if we'll have time.*
#1 - We are both engi-nerds, so nerdiness is actually inherent in our genetic make-up. We never stood a chance. We also love Office Space. Best.. Movie.. Ever..

Reasons why even though Tom and I are nerds, we are actually really really cool. Much harder.

#5 - We don't play video games. Tom used to before I explained to him how nerdy it is. Disclaimer: I would totally play the Wii if I had one because those are just awesome.
#4 - We ride bikes a lot. Hmm this may not belong on this list. We play ultimate frisbee. Still not helping. Camping? Hiking? Rock climbing? Adventure racing? Are any of these things cool? Okay, how about our rock band? That's cool. Except we aren't in one. But we totally listen to them.
#3 - We are really good at flip cup and corn hole. Confused? Guess you aren't cool enough.
#2 - We are the world's worst best dancers. Totally true.
#1 - We are both graduates from the coolest University on the planet: THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY. Not the smartest people, but the coolest.

*Paraphrased quote from one of the most funny movies of all time, Old School.

Most boring post ever.

Morbidity is finite. I think I will be done with it now. Being all sad and emo isn't really in my nature. On to happier things.

I can bike. I can dance. I can laugh & clean the house. I can buy grocerys & carry them in. I can walk, no limp. I can indoor rock climb. These are small but special activities in which I can participate in now that I couldn't last time. That is why things aren't that bad, even with no ACL.

Well the weather here in the desert is getting lovely. Middle-of-the-day-working-out lovely. I read people's blogs from cold places and it seems like everyone is always fighting a cold and fighting the depression of crappy weather. I don't miss that at all. Snow is fun on vacation. Thats the only time. Period.

Gearing up for the upcoming holidays. Tom and I are heading to Colorado for Thanksgiving. We don't usually fly to Ohio for this holiday because we usually go at Christmas and the plane tix are not cheap. But since we have free gas (thanks you Tom's work), we try to drive somewhere cool and take a mini vacation. This time we are going to visit some of Tom's cousins in Durango and Breckenridge. Since skiing is out, we will probably try to do some hiking and hopefully some bike riding, knee permitting. And play in the snow, because we are on vacay and that is when snow is cool. I also plan on meeting up with a friend in Fort Collins. I love Colorado. Pike's Peak was the first mountain I ever saw as a kid and I will never forget it. We drove all day and all night across the country in a crappy station wagon and I remember waking up in a parking lot at a rest stop and peering out the window and seeing this large white cloud like thing off in the distance. I think I fell in love with mountains that second.

Weather. Check. What's happening. Check. Okay, end of the most boring ever in the history of blogs. Later.

Moving On

So I am still feeling like the biggest, most sadistic game of deja vu is being played on me right now. I have been here before, I remember this feeling. But now I know what is involved and how long it takes and how hard it is on me mentally.

It's not the pain. I don't mind pain. Rehabbing an ACL reconsruction is a hard painful process. I know and remember this well. First there's the inital pain of the actual surgery. Every movement is excruciating. I remember laying on the couch wondering how long I could go with using the bathroom. Holding out like I was on a road trip or something where you are trying to reach the next rest stop 27 miles away. Because the pain of the need to go is less than the pain of actually getting up to do it. Then there is the pain of rehab. Trying to bend a knee that doesn't bend. They give you a stap. You wrap it around your ankle and you pull you heel towards your but. Your body resists, your mind says "stop that hurts" but you just keep pulling because you will not regain your mobility until you can bend it all the way. Some people just don't have the pain tolerance to do this and the therapists have to do it for them. Then there is the pain of teaching your leg how to take pressure. Pressure of walking, then jogging, then stairs, then sprinting, etc and it just keeps going. With each new activity, it says "woah, seriously, I am not ready for that." But you can't listen. You just ignore it, watch it swell and continue and ice it when you are done.

Eventually, the pain fades. Maybe in a year or so. I think I was exactly one year before my knee stopped hurting every time I exercised.

But like I said, it's not the pain I am dreading. It isn't what is making me despair. It's way more mental than that.

It's having to give up my dreams for another year. Dreams that were becoming reality. I was already scheduled to compete in my first 24 hour biking race, the 24 Hours of Pueblo in February. My adventure racing team had our plans set for races we were going to do next year leading up to our first 24 hour race. I had plans for playing in a competitive ultimate frisbee tournament in December with the Phoenix A team, a team I have been dying to play on since I became a beginner in this sport. It just sucks so bad.

That and the reality that I have to make considerations of my life. I will most likely never step foot on a rugby pitch again. My heart isn't in it anymore. But what of frisbee, I should probably give that up too. Then there skiing, terrible on knees. The list just goes on. Where do you draw the line between danger of re-injury and normal life activities that bring joy and happiness? These are hard questions and I am don't know the answer. I am 26, not that young but not that old. I don't want to be restricted on what activities I can engage in, but right now I don't know how to draw this line.

My life is truly blessed. I know this and appreciate what I have in it. Staying positive is hard though. But my mother always says everything happens for a reason. Maybe it will force me into competitive knitting and I will become a world champion sponsored knitter. Or something.

News

So I wrote this on Tuesday. I didn't publish it because sometimes I don't publish the hard ones that reveal too much. But I am going to publish it now, because I am feeling devastated and I want to get it out of my system so I can move on. I saw my orthopedic surgeon today. Yes, I most likely re-tore my ACL. Yes I will most likely need another surgery to fix it. And yes, that will most likely require at least another year of rehab. But I will be fine, I will come back from this and I will somehow grow from the experience. I just need a day to be depressed and grieve.

[Written Tuesday, Nov 6th]

Sometimes I say too much. Most of the time my current mood is glaringly obvious. When I am happy, I bubble over. When I am mad, I look irritated. When I am nervous, I fidget or talk to much. When I am excited, I ramble on and on about whatever I am excited about. But when I am sad, it's different. I either hide it behind activities that leave me no time to think, or I get quiet and retreat to my cocoon. I am not sure what to do right now.

I am going to try writing about it. So yes. I am mad. Mad at myself. Mad at fate. Mad at my knee. And yes, I am mad at rugby. I am mad that all of the work I have done over the last year and a half, the endless hours of performing at less than my best, but having to be satisfied knowing it is all part of the recovery process is gone. I am mad that I can't bend my knee. That I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon this Thursday. And that I am going to have to miss all the fun things I planned to do in the next couple of weeks.

But mostly I am just mad that I am feeling so devastated. That I don't think I can do it all over again. That I would have to seriously consider changing my lifestyle if I indeed did need to do it all over again. Please please please no surgery. I don't think I can take it again.

It is my worst nightmare. I know I am being over dramatic. I realize that worse things could happen. But you may not understand how hard I have worked, how far I have come, what goals I have set, and how driven I have been. If you did, you would know.

This will most likely always stay a draft. Like many of my other heavy posts, where I write them to cleanse or crystallize my feelings that the world just doesn't need to know.

Wednesday Blues

It's hard to blog when life gets lame. For whatever reason, writing about how I went to work all day and then came home and couldn't work out due to knee swellage so I just watched tv even though I hate tv just doesn't excite me.

I'll know more tomorrow after my meeting with my ortho. Please please please pray that my diagnosis doesn't involve any word that begins with s and ends with y.

Lets think some happy thoughts... look how cute this kitten is. Group awww! If we ever sell our house, we want to get a little lampchop like this.

The Title

The weekend is over. Sob. It was a good one in a lot of ways but it did end on a cruel twist.

Friday night was a stellar evening of Red Lobster. Yes you heard me correctly. We went to Red Lobster for dinner. I didn't think people even went to Red Lobster anymore (it's such a midwest small town kind of restaurant) but in fact they do. Some friends called, they said they were going to the RL and would we like to join them? So we went and the endless shrimp platter was everything I ever thought it could be.

On Saturday, we were up early due to the early sleep RL induced coma that Tom and I fell into on Friday night. Got the house ready for an open house and left for the bar early at 9:00 am. Why the bar at 9am? Well the Buckeyes were playing the Badgers and due to the evil known as the Big Ten Network, the only place to watch it was very specific OSU friendly bars. So after pulling out the victory against those pesky farm boys, my friend Kerri and I went to her house for a mimosa induced nap.

After dosing for a wee bit, I decided that I needed to take advantage of the beautiful fall weather (re: anything less than 95 degrees) and go for a bike ride. I decided to check out Papago Park which is a preserve area in the middle of Tempe consisting of some beginner trails and hikes. It ended up being really cool, not hard, but huge with a lot of hard little climbs that were good practice for cranking up steep hills with loose dirt and rocks. Had a great time except for my bike - which is done. Just done. It falls apart with regularity now and I had to stop no less than 7 times to re-house my shifting cable which kept popping out. Plus my gears don't work right. The time is near my friends, when I will throw it off a highway overpass and then deal with the consequences later. I am working the hubby over to smooth the deal in which I purchase a new bike which I believe will immediately take me to new biking dimensions. In my mind anyway.

They say the desert is ugly, but I think I disagree. I can see the dinosaurs in this picture.

Papago Park in Tempe. Our urban parks are better than yours!

Saturday night, we went and saw "Into The Wild". It is awesome. At least I thought it was. It followed the book closely and really painted a positive picture of the whole story. I know there is a negative side of the story/controversy lurking out there, but really I choose to ignore that. If you don't know what I am talking about, read Jon Krakauer's book Into the Wild and then watch the movie.

Sunday I was pretty excited to get back on the rugby pitch, even for a friendly game against Stanford. Unfortunately my body wasn't as excited. My knee injury in May of last year was pretty devastating to me. I have talked about this before here. But I have put SO SO SO much effort into complete rehabilitation to the point that I would declare my 99% healed. It took a year and a half and lot of effort, but I though I was good to go. I guess I was wrong. I can mountain bike, play ultimate frisbee (which is way more cutting and sprinting), run down an uneven mountain trail, rock climb anything, and jump off a waterfall, BUT apparently I can't play rugby. Very shortly into the game, I ran to catch a high kick on the wing. I knew that a player on their team was going to arrive at the same time I was, but I didn't stop. We hit midair, I knocked her over, remained on my feet and kept running but I felt my knee twist and heard some unsettling cracking. Done. I don't think that I re-tore my acl, I am pretty sure it is a minor sprain or something but I realized that it's just not worth it. I can still walk, but it doesn't feel right and their is definitely some shifting going on in there. But with the power of positive thinking, I will think it better. I just know it.

Back on the bike I say. After I retrieve it from my garbage can in my garage.

Not much about anything.

Sunset along the Rez trail

So I have been pretty bad at blogging lately. Not only are some of my posts downright boring, but I just haven't felt that inspired to make them otherwise. That's okay, though because I don't have a real agenda about entertaining the world (by world I mean the five people who read this regularly). I haven't blogged much this week because I have been in Cali for work and we have been busy every night wowing people with my charm (aka schmoozing). Also, I haven't done anything worth blogging about.

I got back into town on Wednesday night in time for a very fun Halloween party where I pulled out my crazy Pink outfit again. Last night, I went for a solo mountain bike ride through South Mountain at dusk. It is fun to see how much I improve on my old faithful Desert Classic trail every time I ride it. I took it at speed last night and even chased some guys back to the car. I always assume that most people are faster than me, so if I see someone off in the distance I will pull over to let them pass. After stopping for a drink, I saw a group of guys coming, so I waited till they passed then took off after them. I ended up riding their tails the whole way back to the car. I think I am slower on downhills than a lot of people but make up for it on uphills and flat sections.

Well the second big race in the Desert Rage Adventure Racing series is this Saturday, and guess what...we aren't doing it :( I am pretty bummed since I was really looking forward to it, but my teammates just aren't able to fit into their budget's right now due to unforeseen circumstances. So ODP's return to glory is just going to have to wait for the women's AR on Nov 10th.

It's not all bad though because if frees up my weekend for other things. I plan on playing in a glow-in-the-dark ultimate frisbee tournament on Saturday night in Tucson and in the Scottsdale Lady Blues rugby game versus Stanford on Sunday. Yes, I am pulling out my rugby cleats to beat up on some college girls. I went to practice last night and was shocked at all the new faces. Gone for six months and don't recognize the team. That is good though, since the team needed fresh blood (no pun intended). Hopefully I remember how to tackle and catch a rugby ball. Double dipping both rugby and frisbee in the same weekend ... could be trouble. I will get yelled at in rugby for calling stall counts instead of tackling and get yelled at in frisbee for running someone over. It's gonna be great!