Wednesday, June 4, 2008

How's the knee?

How about a knee update?

You know what? This whole rehab process is hard. I mean obviously it is hard just by it's nature, but I think I keeping looking for the key to the whole thing and it just doesn't exist. What am I talking about? Well swelling of course. And my brain and pysche. And slight pain versus real pain versus my poor knee doesn't really feel too much anymore.

In the last couple of weeks, while pushing my knee to greater heights, it has rebelled a bit and started to swell. Not bad, but enough that it sort of holding me back a bit. Not to the point that I am not doing things, but I feel that I am not making the same amount of progress that I was before. But taking breaks (I have tried) doesn't really seem to help and it just make me unhappy in my little brain.

The funny thing is, I know I am still ahead of the game and someone less motivated would be ecstatic about my current progress level, but I am not "someone," I am me and damn it, I have no patience. I started mountain biking, but I feel so weak and can't go for more than 1.5 hours (with lots of breaks) without burning myself out. Normally that would be fine, but my friends are planning a super fun 120 mile bike trip in about a month and I sooo want to join them, but I just don't see it as possible yet. I hate feeling like I am holding others back more than actually just being slow.

I also started jogging, but I can't go very far before the limp limp starts and then it's this big mind game of is that good or bad pain? Should I keep going? Stop? Is this a natural pain that comes from starting to run after knee surgery or is it the set you back kind of pain? I am sure that these feelings are very common, but I think I have lost the ability to recognize bad pain or pain at all. I sometimes don't even realize that I am limping because it just feels normal. Bad bad bad.

So basically, I am whining about not being 100% which is ridiculous of course, but I can't help it because so much of my recent life (2.5 years) has been about holding back and waiting till I am better and I am just getting tired of it. Sigh. So I tell myself to chill out and stop worrying about getting back to my top form because much to my chagrin, I am not a professional or even sponsored athlete and the time frame is undefined.

More than you needed? Probably, but I admit, this rant may have been exactly what I needed.

1 comment:

DEANNA STOPPLER said...

Hey girl,

Check out Gary's blog for a good laugh (http://garyrobbins.blogspot.com/)--the streakers post.

Yeah, healing from my knee op, when I broke it, was tough. I remember the first time I could walk, I tried to walk to the store, which was only a couple blocks, but had to turn around because I was too weak.

It'll come though!